Noise

I went on a Silent Retreat just before the start of this semester. It was so amazing to be in silence with God. The stillness was at first overpowering, but it gradually lessened as the retreat went on. While on retreat all the noises of regular life moved far away; car horns and police sirens were unheard, people laughing and shouting at three in the morning was non-existant, you get the idea. But perhaps more importantly, the noises of my heart were also silenced. I was much more open with God, and with myself. I spent a majority of my time journaling, and when I journaled I wrote down anything and everything that was in my head whether it was song lyrics or a thought that did not follow from my previous one. In other words, I was being completely open to myself, I was listening to my heart and locking into my desires.
Fast forward to now, and the noises have returned. I hear police sirens several times a day, the chattering of people outside my window in the middle of the night, and (what I fined to be calming for some reason...) sound of cars on the highway. Yet another type of noise has also returned. The noise that prevents me from truly hearing and understanding my own heart. Even when I try to pray or reflect, I find myself remaining hidden. Why do I do something so trivial? Can I really hide something from myself? I've found that, while I can't actually hide something, I can do a pretty darn good job of stressing myself out over some things, that if confronted, would turn out to be nothing at all. The noises on the outside can lead to noises on the inside. Silence is definitely a struggle, but it can be so rewarding. Rainer Maria Rilke has a quote, "Be out of sync with your times for just one day, and you will see how much eternity you contain within you." On the silent retreat I was out of sync with my times. I was actually and honestly present to myself. The real challenge comes in making myself out of sync in "real" life. Maybe in becoming out of sync I can presently find myself in REAL life, in eternity. The challenge is daunting, to know oneself, but it can be so rewarding to be able to call oneself "Friend."